


Why Would You Wake Me (If You're Not Going To Save Me)

by LynxRyder



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Gen, PTSD suggestion, Post-Avengers, Spoiler warning for IM3, Steve Has Issues, Tony Has Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-04
Updated: 2013-05-04
Packaged: 2017-12-10 09:19:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/784418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LynxRyder/pseuds/LynxRyder
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve tries to bury his loneliness in the work required to rebuild New York but it still eats away at him. He reaches out to Tony, not expecting anything, not knowing that Tony is having problems of his own. Set between The Avengers and IM3 (spoiler warning for themes included in IM3).</p>
            </blockquote>





	Why Would You Wake Me (If You're Not Going To Save Me)

**Author's Note:**

> Be aware that this fic was inspired by scenes in Ironman 3 so please do not read on if you haven't seen it and are trying to keep spoiler free.

 

                Everything has changed. The world is remade, emerging from the ashes of tragedy a little bit angry, a little bit scared, a little bit amazed that a rebirth is possible. Steve is heartened to see evidence of hope. Everywhere he looks he sees people helping each other from the army of volunteers who are out on the streets of New York every day helping the professionals with the clean up to the messages of defiance and life affirming joy that stream through every possible channel. It makes it easier to bear the darker moments knowing that the world can repair itself like this.

                Steve is not alone very often, he plans it that way. Most of the time he is out shifting rubble and directing troops. Fury told him early on that wearing the red, white and blue would send a message. Steve knows what message Fury wants to broadcast - he's not new to propaganda after all. Fury wants the doubters to pause, he wants those shouting voices - the ones that blame the Avengers for the phenomenal damage done to the city - to quieten a little. Captain America being photographed and filmed out every day, doing his bit, goes a long way to silencing the critics. Steve tells himself that he doesn't mind, and he doesn't, not really, although he wishes he were not alone.

                Thor returned to Asgard and Bruce vanished into the ether. Natasha and Clint were with him for a week or so but then, without a word, they were gone. Sent on another assignment, Maria Hill had told Steve. No more details were given to him. Apparently saving the world did not give him security clearance enough for that kind of information.

                And then there's Tony. Steve isn't entirely sure why but he had expected more of Tony Stark.

                "Well, see you around, Cap."

                Those had been his parting words to him exactly one minute after breaking the news that he was relocating to Malibu while renovation work continued on Stark Tower. Steve had expected Fury to have something to say about this but the director had just let him go.

                Steve doesn't know why it bothers him so much. He can understand Thor's reasons for leaving. He is sympathetic to Bruce's plight and would not wish to pressure him into being anywhere he felt uncomfortable. Clint and Natasha, well, it seems their choice was made for them. But Tony, would it be so much to ask for him to spend a few days helping with the rebuild? Every day people ask Steve whether Ironman will be joining him. Ironman is who the people want to see but he's not there, he's never there. It just doesn't seem right that the only one of them that has a choice has chosen to leave.

* * *

                

                It takes Steve three weeks before he decides that he is - yes, he _is_ \- going to call Tony. He has no intention of calling the man out, he just wants to know, that's all, he wants to know what is so important that he had to disappear. And frankly, he's the only Avenger that Steve can actually contact.

                His first two tries only get as far as JARVIS who tells him in his eerily human voice that Mr Stark is blocking all calls. He asks if Steve has a message and both times Steve says no, it's fine, he'll call again another time. The third time, expecting the same result, Steve has actually drafted a message in his head.

                "Sir, please hold while you are connected."

                When Tony's voice cuts in with, "I'm kinda busy here, Cap," a rush of familiarity takes Steve so by surprise that he immediately forgets what he is calling for.

                "Right," he says, clearing his throat, "Er..."

                "Seriously?"

                The blank screen with its SHIELD logo lights up and Tony appears. Steve has been using his Starkphone ever since he was given one but he does not have many people to call and this is his first video chat. He finds the abrupt appearance of Tony all those hundreds of miles away oddly disconcerting.

                "Cap, do we have a problem here? Is there an emergency? Am I being summoned?"

                "Er, no, nothing like that."

                It had not occurred to Steve that a random call from him might cause Tony to fear the worst. He thinks he sees Tony slump a little, perhaps in relief, but maybe he was just imagining it, the screen is not big enough to discern the subtleties of movement and behaviour.

                "I just wanted to know how you are," says Steve.

                "How I am? I'm just great, Cap. I'm swell. Is that all? I mean, is that it? I'm pretty sure we've both got better things we could be doing right now and..."

                "Yeah, of course," says Steve, feeling heat rising up his neck, "I didn't mean to...well, thanks."

                Tony looks at him quizzically for a moment and then, without so much as a goodbye, the screen dies.

* * *

            

                Steve tries to forget the ill fated call over the next few days and mostly he does but in the evenings, when he is alone, very alone, forgetting is harder to do. Peggy comes to him in these lonely hours. And Bucky. And all the people he loved and lost in the blink of an eye. Then there's the events that brought the Avengers together. It would be impossible to forget any of that. Steve has tried to be philosophical about it but there is no rationalising the things he's seen. He would have liked to have talked about it with someone but there's no one which leads him neatly back round to thinking about Tony.

                Steve blames himself. He is out of touch, the world he is from and the world that Tony inhabits are two very different places. Very briefly Steve believed that he and Tony had established some sort of connection but it seems he was just deluding himself. Sure, they will be able to fight together, face the worst evil side by side, but there is never going to be anything more. He was a fool to believe otherwise.

                The message comes through at two in the morning. Steve, who has been having trouble sleeping, reaches over and sees that it is from Tony.

               _Specs for shield upgrade._

                 Attached is a document with too many calculations for Steve to make any sense of it but he recognises the diagram on the last page easily enough. It is his shield or a version of it. Realisation dawns. Tony is upgrading his weapon.

                 _Thank you_ , he writes back, _I look forward to trialling it_.

                 He waits, cautiously hopeful that as they are both awake they might strike up a conversation but no more messages come through.  

* * *

                

                 A few days pass and then more messages start to arrive. Always text, never video, and Tony never tries to call him. Their timing is erratic. Sometimes Steve will get three in quick succession. Other times he has to wait for a week or more before he hears anything. Mostly Tony talks shop, giving Steve details about whatever he is working on. At first Steve is not sure whether he is supposed to understand these communications, for the most part he does not, or whether he is meant to be passing them on to SHIELD but that idea is quashed when Tony sends the following:

                 _Always use secure server, Cap. Remember SHIELD cannot be trusted._

                 The message is sent in isolation and has no relation to the previous one sent four days previously. Steve also has no idea how he would go about using a secure server but it is around this time that he has the idea that maybe, just maybe, Tony's messages are not so much about the content at all. To test his theory, he decides not to reply to the next one. Up to this point he has been responding as soon as he is able, which is normally within minutes, even if he has no idea what response is expected. This time though he waits.

                 One hour after original communication:

                 _Cap?_

                 Two hours:

                 _I'm working too, you know. You don't see me ignoring you._

                 (this despite the fact that he patently has ignored Steve's attempts to reach him. Steve lets this one go.)

                 After three hours and twelve minutes, Steve's phone goes. He answers on the first ring.

                "What the hell happened to you?" Tony's voice comes through loud and angry. "Seriously, did you not...?"

                "I'm sorry, Tony," says Steve. He never expected this. Tony sounds like he is fighting back real fury. It's like they are back on the helicarrier again with Loki's sceptre cleaving through to their dark hearts. "I was busy and I didn't really understand what you meant..."

                Steve breaks off. He can hear Tony breathing hard down the phone. Too hard.

                "Tony? Is everything okay?"

                Tony does not answer.

                "Tony, I'm here now. Talk to me."

                "Yeah...um, yeah, okay, whatever. It wasn't really that important. I don't know why I..."

                Tony's voice wavers in intensity, as if he is moving towards and away from the microphone. Swaying? Falling?

                "I'm here," Steve says again. It seems like the right thing to say, the thing Tony might need to hear.

                "Do you even know...?" Tony says and he is almost whispering now. "I can't...I just..."

                The line goes dead. When Steve tries to call back he gets JARVIS.

                "Mr Stark has asked me to take a message, sir."

                "Tell him..."

                Tell him what? That he's sorry? That he wants to understand what is going on? That he wants to help in whatever way he can if only he knew what he was helping with?

                "Tell him my phone is always on."     

* * *

               

                Things progress the same way for a while. Text messages come through that conform to no known schedule. Steve replies. Sometimes he tries to call. Tony never picks up. Steve gets very used to speaking with JARVIS.

                And then one day, Steve turns on the TV and there, in technicolour HD perfection, is Tony Stark with Pepper on his arm. He is smiling and waving at the photographers, the flashes bouncing off his shades. Steve turns up the volume.

                "Tony Stark has pledged fifty million to the Rebuilding of New York fund," the newsreader announces, "Residents and business owners have expressed their gratitude to Mr Stark whose donation plus promised back payments will far exceed the total government spending so far and go a long way to silence those who have been calling on the Avenger, whose vast personal wealth is well documented, to do the right thing."

                So there it is, the help Steve had wanted. He already knows that Tony has poured incomprehensibly large sums of his own money into the relief effort but to publicly acknowledge a further donation serves the purpose that Steve's cowl does every day that he is out there. It may not be the same as working alongside each other but Steve appreciates that this is the best way Tony can help. His thoughts quieten as Tony takes hold of a mic. Pepper is smiling up at him, encouraging, adoring.

                "I'll start with an apology. This money took a long time coming. Believe it or not, I don't keep fifty million dollars hidden under my mattress, but it's here now. It is my sincere belief that we are not rebuilding a city, we are creating a new one, a better one. We are creating the best damn city in the world. Let that be the message to anyone out there who thinks they can mess with us. Thank you and goodnight!"

                The fact that it is midmorning does not seem to matter to anyone. The reporters shout out questions. The flashes keep on popping. Pepper keeps her hold on Tony's arm. Steve smiles. He was wrong to worry. Everything is fine.

* * *

                

                Steve does not mind not hearing from Tony after that. Ironman has done his bit for public relations, there is nothing more Steve could have expected from him. Tony has Pepper, after all. There is no reason he should remember - or even realise - that Steve has no one. Self-pity is not admirable and Steve does not indulge it. He works harder, twelve-fourteen-eighteen hour days. He does not need much sleep after all, just as well as it seems to be ever more elusive. And it's not as if he does not talk to anyone. All day he is working beside other men and women going above and beyond, their smiles forcing their way through the endless dust, grime and back breaking toil. He even goes out for drinks with them - these many heroes whose names never make it into the papers - but his laughter rings hollow and most of the time he finds himself standing outside the circle once the novelty of drinking with Captain America has worn off. Sometimes Steve feels as if he is living inside a bubble. Everyone can see him, everyone thinks they know him but no one can reach him, no one is listening.

* * *

                

                 _You awake?_

                 Steve has not heard from Tony in almost a month so the message surprises him.

                 _Yes._

                 There is a ten minute pause and then Steve's phone begins to ring. The screen prompts him: video chat - accept or decline?

                Tony appears but wherever he is calling from is so dimly lit that Steve can barely make out his features. He sees wild hair, the shine of dark eyes, the suggestion of lips. He sits up straighter, suddenly aware that he can be seen too. He tilts the screen so that less of his ratty T-shirt is visible. Neither of them speaks.

                Time stretches. Tony stares at something off screen and Steve watches him. He has a sense of something about to happen, of pressure building.

                "Pepper's asleep."

                Tony's first words sound oddly taut. Steve frowns with the effort of trying to hear the unspoken. Have he and Pepper had an argument of some sort? Steve is not sure why anyone would call upon him for relationship advice, he is probably the most unqualified person in the world for that.

                "Why aren't you sleeping?"

                Tony has turned to face the screen. Steve cannot make out his expression and this lack of emotional clues sends a flutter of panic through him. He has no idea what is going on here.

                "I don't sleep much," he says.

                "Ah, yes, of course," says Tony and he sounds more like the person Steve remembers - assured in his own assessment of the world, "Super soldier, I don't know why I didn't..."

                He trails off. He is looking away again. Steve decides to throw the question back at him.

                "Why aren't you sleeping?"

                "Oh, you know," Tony replies.

                "Do I?" Steve asks, "I really don't think I do. I wish people would stop assuming I know things and explain what is going on."

                He doesn't mean to say it, the words just come tumbling out. He isn't even thinking about Tony when he says them, he's thinking about Nick Fury and the men and women he works with every day. He's thinking about the reporters who smile at him when they ask him questions as if they already know what he's about to say.

                "Sounding a bit stressed there, Cap."

                Steve runs a hand through his hair. Is that what this is? Stress? Maybe it really is as simple as that.

                "You know," says Tony, as if an idea has just occurred to him, "It wouldn't kill you to take a break, a holiday, somewhere hot. Sun, sea and sand, all that jazz."

                "Sure," Steve says, feeling a pressing sense of isolation weighing heavily on him. The idea of going on holiday and being alone somewhere different has absolutely no appeal. Tony has Pepper, he wouldn't understand. At least here he is needed.

                "We have spare rooms." Tony is charging on, his mind running along faster than Steve can keep pace with. "Loads of them. And all the sun you could ever want. Not that I've seen it in a while but JARVIS assures me it's still there."

                Steve is not sure what Tony is saying. He seems to have lost the thread of the conversation somewhere. He is still scrambling to pick it up when Tony says, "So, if you wanted to, you could come here."

                "Oh."

                Steve stares at Tony who is steadfastly not looking at the screen.

                "Think about it," he says.

                "I...I will," Steve manages and then, just like that, the call is over leaving him with no proof that it wasn't all some crazy dream.

* * *

                

                 Steve considers it. He really does. He examines the possibility of him turning up on Tony's doorstep, suitcase in hand, nerves fluttering in his stomach because there is no doubt about it, he would be nervous turning up at someone's home like that. How welcome would he be really? And what about Pepper? Would Tony even think to clear it with her first? But this is not the only angle he dwells on. He also thinks about how good it would be to see Tony again, to shake him by the hand and know that they were not being forced together by impending doom. Tony, who saw everything he saw and more. Tony, who had saved them all. Tony, who is still able to smile and love and live. Steve wants to see that. He wants to know that it is possible.

                Tony begins to send him things about Malibu. Sometimes a picture of a beach, sometimes just a shot of a clear blue sky. The last one was a tray of brightly coloured cocktails with the words - _You're not going to make me drink all of these, are you?_

                That one actually made Steve laugh and it is this that makes up his mind. He is going to say yes. He is going to accept.

                And then Natasha calls.  

* * *

               

                 JARVIS gives him the standard line that Tony is not to be disturbed but Steve is adamant.

                "I need to talk to him," he says, "It's urgent."

                "I'm afraid Mr Stark has expressly..."

                "JARVIS, I mean it, I'm just going to keep trying. I have to speak to him. I...I may not get another chance."

                There is a pause. If JARVIS were human, and it's easy to forget that he isn't when they are talking on the phone, Steve would swear that he was taking a deep breath to buy himself time to consider his options.

                "Please hold the line, sir. I will see what I can do."

                JARVIS must have woken him for when Tony appears he looks distinctly dishevelled. There is, however, a small smile visible and Steve feels a sharp pain when he realises the smile is for him.

                "Tony..."

                "Cap, to what do I owe this pleasure?"

                "Tony, I..."

                "Packed your bags? Pepper has gone to town on a room for you. Red, white and blue everywhere."

                He winks. Steve tries to force a laugh but it dies in the back of his throat. He swallows. He needs to say something before...

                "Er, Cap? You're looking a bit..."

                Tony leans in closer to the screen as if he can see something in Steve's eyes that needs decoding.

                "Tony..."

                But he is too late.

                Tony pulls back from the screen slowly. He reaches up, touches the place where the arc reactor shines through his T-shirt once and then, as if he has caught himself doing something stupid, he lowers his hand. His face has gone rigid. This is more than disappointment. This is failure.

                "You're not coming," he says and his voice is stiff.

                "I want to," Steve says quickly but the words sound so empty, "Something's happened. I need to go away for a while."

                "Sure."

                Tony turns away. He says something to JARVIS and another screen lights up. Steve watches, an ache in his chest so powerful that he cannot speak. He wishes they were in the same room, wishes he could make Tony look at him, wishes he could make him understand.

                "I'll be back," he says.

                Tony must have heard him but he does not acknowledge him in any way. He carries on working, carries on talking to JARVIS, acting as if Steve does not exist, telling him without words that he is forgotten already.

                Steve ends the call. He should have left already, but he needs a minute. Natasha's words come back to him.

                "We need you."

                We - SHIELD.

                Need - Captain America.

                He remembers the tray of cocktails with their colourful umbrellas and slices of wedged fruit. _You're not going to make me drink all of these, are you?_

                Is it possible that Tony needs him too?

                Steve stands up. The decision is made, he is not about to let SHIELD down, but this does not mean he is not afraid. He has the strangest feeling that his choice - if that is the right word - means more than a chance not taken.

                "I'll be back," he had told Tony.  

                He hopes it is a promise he can keep.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I have become a bit obsessed with the thought of Steve and Tony reaching out to each other but neither of them realising just how badly the other one needs help. Makes my heart hurt but I love it.
> 
> Title from the song Save Me by Bo Bruce.


End file.
